Esme's Realization
by Caroline S
Summary: A Breaking Dawn story about Esme and Carlisle's reactions to hearing about Bella's pregnancy. Some angst, but there are also sweet moments between the two of them. “Pregnant? Bella’s pregnant? Carlisle, how is any of this possible? She’s a human!”


Okay, this is to hold some people over while I'm trying to work on more chapters for "Esme's Wedding Day". I've got a bad case of writer's block with that story right now. Moving on, I hope that you enjoy this story! This is going to be the only chapter. While reading Breaking Dawn, I was very curious about the unseen reactions of Esme and Carlisle (mostly Esme) when they found out about Bella's pregnancy and what Edward wanted to do. So I wrote what I thought would happen between them.

* * *

"Pregnant? Bella's pregnant? How--? What--?" I continued to trail off. I could barely form a single sentence; I merely spouted words. I had to pull myself together. "Carlisle, how is any of this possible? She's a human!"

"Yeah, it's like inter-species mating!" Emmett managed to roar with laughter from the next room. But before I could scold him, Carlisle spoke.

"I have a theory, Esme. During my youth in England, I remember studying about this creature called an incubus. Essentially, it is a male demon that impregnates human females at night as they sleep. I believe that our venom works in a similar manner to this being; making it possible for women to bare our children."

I stared in disbelief. Could this really be happening? "What will happen to Bella? The child, what will it be like?"

"I'm not sure, Esme. I've never seen this occur before. Edward and Bella are on their way home and should be here soon. I'm going to have to examine her carefully."

"Oh." It was all I could muster up the strength to say. We stood there for just a few seconds, looking into the other's eyes. "Would you excuse me for a moment, dear?" I whispered as I then headed for the stairs. I was beginning to break, I could feel it. Rushing through the hallway, I tried to steady my breath. I found the familiar oak door that opened to the room that my husband and I shared; I traced the pattern that had grown to be a symbol of comfort for me.

Pushing it open too easily, I entered my sanctuary. I made my way to the lavender spread on our bed and laid myself down. I allowed myself to indulge in the silky feel of the duvet between my fingers. I'd almost forgotten why I had needed to escape, but one can only push away their grief for so long.

Children; I had a beautiful child once. A glowing baby boy with rosy cheeks, big beautiful eyes, and a head that was born covered with rich brown curls. He was my cherub baby. So beautiful and so innocent. But because he was an angel, God needed him to be in Heaven, to give the other babies comfort.

When he died, I spiraled out of control; I had nothing to live for, no one to love me, no purpose whatsoever. That's why I jumped off of the cliff. I wanted to be reunited with my baby. I wanted to be there to love him. God's love is infinite, but what if my baby missed me? What if he needed me and God had to tell him that it wasn't my time yet? God has a reason for everything that is done, but I didn't want my baby to feel any more pain. He had suffered enough during his short time on Earth.

But I was rescued and I found love in my savior, Carlisle. My love had (and still has) no bounds. We married and it wasn't long before my maternal instinct needed to be tended to. I remember the day I told him that I wanted to have children with him. What a crushing day; finding out that I could no longer reproduce. And now, here was Bella, someone who doesn't even like children, pregnant!

I had always done my best to keep my soul (if I even have one) in pristine condition. I avoided sin as much as possible; especially envy. I had a family, a home, and love. What right did I have to ask that more be bestowed upon me? Yet here I lie, jealousy coursing through my veins.

Sobbing dryly into my pillow, clawing at the sheets; I was trying to do everything in my power to purge this covetous manner from my body. I didn't even hear the door creak as it was opened and shut.

That's when the scent of leather-bound books hit me. "Esme?" Great, Carlisle was here to witness my breakdown. No, it wouldn't be fair to put him through this. I reflexively tried to wipe my eyes clean before I spoke.

I don't how I kept my voice level. "Yes, Carlisle?" I felt the bed move ever so slightly as he placed his weight beside me. As if I could shatter with the lightest bit of contact, Carlisle gently wrapped his arm around me and rested his chin on my head.

He kissed my scalp and inhaled as he began to speak against my hair. It was then that I heard the front door shut; the kids were giving us some privacy. "We don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to, but I'm here for you."

"You're giving me sympathy that I do not deserve."

"Angels deserve nothing less than devotion, love, and care."

"True angel's bodies are not wracked with envy; therefore, I must be fallen." Carlisle was silent, but he never let me forget that he was there. He would rub my arms, hum songs that Edward had written for us, and occasionally place a kiss somewhere on my head. I could do nothing but look pitiful, sobbing in his arms.

"I'm sorry that I can't give you children, Esme. I know how much you miss your boy." His sentence was tinged with melancholy.

"But it's not your fault. If anything is wrong here, it is me! You could have as many children as you want, _I'm_ the broken machine."

"Don't talk like that! Esme, I'm the one responsible for changing you. It's my fault you're unable to carry the babies you ought to have."

"No! No! No! I'm not letting you blame yourself for this! Carlisle, you saved me. You were there for me when I had no one else, just like you are now. Though I'll always miss my little prince, you've given me so much love, so much affection, so much tenderness, and that has healed me. I'm being selfish, and it's hurting you. I'm so sorry, Carlisle, forgive me." I faced him for the first time since he had been in the room with me.

He took my hands and kissed my knuckles. "Esme, I have nothing to forgive you for. It is not selfish to be maternal. Love, you are filled with so much passion and devotion to caring for others. You always look for ways to improve the way everyone else feels. It is something I wish that I possessed, and that everyone admires. I don't know what I did to deserve someone as amazing as you, but you are my proof that God exists; my saint sent from the heavens."

"Before I met you, Carlisle, I wondered if God had forgotten about me. Then you came into my life, and everything was clear, bright, and I had the will to live again. I don't know what_ I_ did to deserve _you_, but you are _my_ proof that God exists; his own personal messenger of compassion to the world." I kissed the spot just below his right eye; that was one of our secret messages for "I love you." He pulled me closer to his chest; eliminating any space, and cradled me.

It's funny how easy it is to lose track of time as it passes when you're an immortal. Content with my spot in his arms, listening to his breathing, I would've liked to have stayed there as long as time would allow. Unfortunately, do all good things not come to an end? They do.

I began to hear the rapid thumping of a heart. Whoever it was, they were very nervous. I pondered what was making them so anxious. But as the proverbial scent wafted towards me, I immediately recognized the soul; our dear, Bella. How had I not heard them pull up? I suppose we block out what we do not wish to face. Sadly, our heightened senses all too soon throw us back into reality.

Silently, Carlisle helped lift me to my feet. Hand in hand, we left the room and descended the stairs to greet our son and daughter. If only it had been a more joyous moment taking place between us. Edward, who had mastered controlling how much of his emotions he displayed, was too obviously distraught, and, could it be, afraid? It broke me to see my beautiful boy this way; suffering and blaming himself so needlessly. Carlisle didn't look much better as I stole a glance at him, though he was more skilled at toning it down right now. I noticed a nod, much too quick for Bella to register, in Edward's direction. It's torture, their silent conversations; me being in a state of despair while not fully understanding what's happening around the room. I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in Bella's mind right now.

How could she be handling this? A creature so much more fragile than I, yet she's managing to keep from falling apart at the seams. We should all give her more credit; she's even stronger than any of us had previously thought.

She was clutching her stomach, not in pain, but protectively. Her chocolate eyes were rich with emotion. I recognized the need to defend shining in her pupils, and the fear that every new mother experiences when second-guessing themselves. But even greater in visibility than that, was the love for the new soul filling her. She was head-over-heels for this child already. I winced as I reminisced on my own past and rebuked myself silently for the episode I had put my rock through earlier. How foolish of me to assume that sweet Bella Cullen would not care for her own baby. I smiled at her warmly and she beamed back a bit shyly at me; she was worried about my opinion. How Bella, worrying about the opinions of her vampire in-laws when it came to her own child; I felt so unworthy of her respect. It was I who admired her; her bravery, her dedication, and her strength for not going insane.

"Carlisle, may I speak to you privately?" I was a bit startled by Edward's sudden burst into sentence, almost as much as Bella had been by the break in silence. Carlisle simply nodded as he and my son proceeded towards the kitchen.

"How about we sit down and get you relaxed?" I said as I gently pulled Bella along to the sofa in the living room.

"I'd really like that, Esme."

"Is there anything that I can get you? Something to drink, eat?"

"No, no, I'm fine, really."

"Nonsense, you've had a rough trip. I'll be back in just a minute." As I glided across the floor, I tried to remember what I had eaten while I was going through my bouts of sickness during pregnancy. When I neared the kitchen, I made sure to click my heels against the hardwood loudly to warn the men of my impending arrival. Though I wished to know what they were discussing, I had no right to just barge in or eavesdrop. I strolled nonchalantly by Edward after quickly kissing him on the top of his head.

I furrowed my brows as I continued my struggle to grasp that memory from so many years ago. It really was a futile effort on my part. I settled on crackers. It wasn't much, but it would help soak up extra acid in her stomach to prevent her from getting sick. I boiled water to use for peppermint tea; caffeine free of course. I ran a bit of cool water into the cup once I finished pouring; I had been very sensitive to consuming hotter things before I gave birth. Maybe she'd be similar to me in that way. Wow, I had to admit, I was quite proud for remembering that much about expecting.

Not wanting to keep her waiting, I hurriedly arranged everything on a tray to take to her. She seemed relieved to see me when I entered the room again.

"Thank you so much, Esme. You really are too kind."

"Think nothing of it. Mothers should always be there for each other." I grinned. Appreciatively, she ate some of the crackers and lifted the warm mug to her mouth to drink.

"Do you mind if I talk with you for a minute….Mother to mother?" She giggled a bit at our new joke.

"Go right ahead, sweetheart."

She took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm worried that I won't be a good mom."

"Oh, Bella! Every mother feels that way; I felt that way when I was waiting for my boy. You're one of the kindest, most caring people that I know. I'm sure that you'll be a lovely mother."

"And you'll be an even better grandmother." I was so moved by her words. It hadn't hit me until she'd actually spoken; I was going to be a grandmother. Fancy that. I rose to my feet at the same time that she did, I flung my arms around her in a hug, and she wrapped her hands around me too.

"You have no idea what it means to hear you say that, Bella."

"And you have no idea how much it means to have your support." As we drew back from the hug, I finally noticed just how pronounced her bump was. I certainly wasn't that large that quickly. Without thinking, I placed my hand over her belly and smiled. I locked my eyes on it, expecting to see a child grinning back at me. Oh, how I desired to cry, not out of agony, but out of love and happiness. I knew that I'd stand by Bella no matter what happened, and it did feel like I stood there for eternity, just intently looking at her in awe and fascination.

I heard a throat clear behind us. My senses were so far off today, I hadn't even heard Edward and my husband's footsteps as they approached. Edward looked determined as he took his place by Bella's side at the couch. I looked up into Carlisle's gaze; he appeared conflicted, but beckoned me silently. He led me back to our room and sat down with me on the mattress.

He bit his lower lip; he was debating on whether or not he should tell me something. Carlisle could hold a poker face, but when he would slip, he was all too easy for _me_ to read. "I've just spoken with Edward. He's extremely worried about Bella's condition…. He wants to rid her body of the baby." He couldn't even use the proper word; abort, around me. Perhaps my previous façades were not as great as I had hoped; and even if they were, was I truly too breakable to hear that word right now? Yes.

The room seemed to darken, and it was spinning; tormenting me with its newfound complexity. I felt as though I was beginning to hyperventilate. Is it possible for vampires to have panic attacks? I broke away from him, I wanted to hit something, break something, and it wasn't going to be him if I started to lose control. "No! Carlisle you can't! Did you see the look in her eyes? Bella loves that child more than anything now! She won't give it up! It's not fair; we can't force this on her! We---, It---, Don't---; I was choking and out came more sobs, even greater in magnitude than my past fit.

I threw myself into his grip, desperately needing the help of supporting my weight. My shoulders shook, and I felt more vulnerable than ever. "Esme, if it causes you pain, and if Bella is against it, then you have my word; I will not take that child away from her." Looking up into his eyes, I knew that the thought of destroying this baby was making his heart ache too.

"Carlisle, I don't want you to pretend to be okay. If you want to cry, I want to hold you while you cry and console you. Cry with me, please." I begged him as I whimpered. He had been trying so hard to be strong for me; bottling up his feelings. That's not what a relationship is about, both of us needed to be able to let our guard down.

He nuzzled his head into my neck, and wept with me. I rocked him back and forth as I clutched to his shirt. I kissed his hair and rubbed his back as I whispered to him. "I love you, Carlisle. I love you more than anything. When I'm with you, I can face anything, and that's how I know we'll get through this together, stronger than before. Give me your word of honor that you will not disguise how you feel for my benefit. It hurts me to see you fighting back your emotions. I'm your wife, and I'm here to lift you up when you're down, but for that to happen, you can't be afraid to fall."

"I promise." He gasped between his sobs. "I trust you, and I'm sorry for any hurt that I've caused you."

"I'm sorry for not pulling myself together to be there when you needed me."

"I love you, Esme, never forget that."

"I won't forget that if you don't forget that I love you, Carlisle."

Carlisle slowly raised his head from my shoulder and lifted my chin to meet his eyes. "Agreed." He brushed away a single stray strand of my caramel curls as he rested his hand on my cheek; leaning into his touch, I smiled at him. He drew his face closer to mine and his lips formed around my pair. They melted together, each perfectly curved for the other. It felt like our first kiss all over again. This was a new journey for us, a new beginning.

* * *

This story definitely has a lot more angst than my previous work! I rather like it, it's very interesting to play around with a jealous Esme. Though I confess, I wrote this whole story around the last few paragraphs! I hope you all enjoyed reading it, and if you have a minute, please review. I love to know what readers think, and I smile every single time I read one! Thank you so much everybody! =]

Bonus! Here's the playlist I was listening to while writing. Music really helps inspire me-

1. Desperate- David Archuleta

2. I'll Be- Edwin McCain

3. Dark Waltz- Hayley Westenra

4. Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron & Wine

5. Run- Leona Lewis

6. I Bruise Easily- Natasha Bedingfield

7. Long Night- Star Salzman (Considered to be Esme's Favorite by a lot of fans)

8. Tears Of An Angel- Ryandan

9. When You Were Young- The Killers

10. Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

11. Once In A Lifetime- Wolfsheim

12. Tears- Yiruma

13. Here Without You- 3 Doors Down

14. All Around Me- Flyleaf


End file.
